What I Need To Know

The way things are presently with us leaves a lot left to be desired in the way of definition. Committment frightens me as you know and I know I’m quite demanding, however right now I’m lost.

I would love to continue on calling you, talking to you, emailing you, sending you  things.  But I have to know. Are you giving me attention because your lonely and theres no one else around?

A tough question with a possibly harsh answer.

I don’t want to complicated things one way or the other, especially before we head to the east coast.

But truthfully, spending all of that time with you kinda makes me sick.  Theres something about you being too nice and sweet to me that I cant quite handle. Or maybe its the thought that I can’t trust you, not that you should be able to trust me either.  I think that for far too long I’ve let people (boys) treat me bad and now thats all I’m used to.

I can’t seem to understand what you see in me and why you haven’t used me yet. Just like everyone else.  However, you are not like everyone else.  You’ve proven that to me time and time again yet I keep waiting for you to prove wrong. In the back of my mind, I just know you will and that may be why I am not fully trusting you.

I need to hear the truth from you. I don’t want a serious long term relationship but I’m not sure I can handle being “just friends” with you.

So if you are as smitten as your actions suggest please let me know. You’ve got me feeling like I’m a newcomer to this insanely bittersweet place.

I can fake a smile and lead you on, toy with your head, heart & body without regret but at the end of the day I’ll sit alone.

Deep down, I’m rooting for you yet right now I’m just really confused and having a lot of second thoughts.

Are You Sure About This?

An undeliverable letter to Drew

Dear Drew,

Do you know what you’ve gotten yourself into?
I know I’m overly demanding but why are you still around?
Can’t you see what you’ve gotten into?
How can you be so sturdy during this hurricane of drama?

I’m not proud to say that at times I’ve been unfaithful
Some you know about and others you don’t
Still I know it’d hurt you to hear the details
I guessed if I was able to hurt you first then you wouldn’t be able to hurt me later
I wanted to protect myself from something that I never needed protection from
And when we’d break up I’d go out to try to replace you
To drown my hurt in feelings of lust and desire to feel needed and wanted

Yet I always come back to the fact that nothing with you was ever rushed with us
I feel such anticipation for our first kiss yet how I am dreading it
To connect with you, after I’ve begun to trust you and even care about you

And the funny thing is
That I try so hard to harden myself around you
So that you won’t think less of me for my soft hearted tendencies
But my heart melted when you told me that you missed me and told me I was sweet and thoughtful

And to enter yourself into my war zone so willingly
Shows me another side of you
I’m excited and scared
Just please don’t let me down
Please prove to me that you’re not like all the rest
And that there is something special about you

And I often wonder if you know what it is I’m running from
I’ve been so broken
Gotten so mixed up
My once perfectly groomed life is now a disheveled mess
A mess that you’ve grown to like yet now I’m running scared

Word Play (part one)

Being

Remaining – continue to exist, be left over after others have been used
Abandon – to give up completely
Perish – suffer complete ruin or destruction
Effected – a change that is the consequence of an action
Detract – reduce the value of

causes

Dejected: depressed in spirits; disheartened; low-spirited:
Empty: completely spent of emotion:
Pressure: harassment; oppression, a constraining or compelling force or influence
Repressed; subjected to, affected by, or characteristic of psychological repression:
Excommunicated; to exclude or expel
Shady; Of dubious character or honesty; questionable
Shadowed; An imperfect imitation or copy.
Imperfection; characterized by defects or weaknesses
Obvious; open to view or knowledge; evident:
Need;     a condition marked by the lack of something requisite